Aaahhhh, there’s just something about summer. The season of love and Love Island, the weather’s getting hot and the hormones are going wild. Maybe it’s because I’ve been watching a lot of Love Island (I even downloaded the app), but love has recently been on my mind. Or more importantly, my lack of it.
Now first off I’d like to clearly state that being alone doesn’t bother me, in fact most of the time it doesn’t even enter my mind. I’m a very busy lady, with a very busy life, so much so that if my friends want to spend quality time with me they have to book a slot months in advance to make sure I can definitely hang out. With very little time available to me I often can’t see the appeal of wasting that time getting to know a new person, who, let’s face it, I probably won’t like. Sure, I think that guys are hot, and occasionally I am intrigued by new people, but I’m lazy and selfish so that’s about as far as it goes. I have never aspired to marriage, don’t get me wrong, I fucking love a wedding, but that’s just not a bit of me.
But recently I’ve been hearing more and more people my age talk about settling down, and how it’s time to start focusing on ‘the next chapter of life’, and I can’t help think what the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I hear my biological clock? Am I missing some important chemical in my brain that’s urging me to drop my career and find a Prince Charming? The answer is obviously no, there’s nothing wrong with me, but it has made me cast a Sauron-like eye over the conversations I have around dating. Below are just some of the many questions I get asked about dating:
1. 'What will you do when you meet someone?'
This is always in reference to my job. I’m a dance teacher which means that when everyone else is arriving home from work I am just heading out. For some reason people are under the illusion that when I finally meet a partner I will give up my job because of the unusual hours. Wrong. I’ve spent years training for this job, and if I’m dating someone and they don’t support it then bye bye. I don’t know about you, but I’m yet to meet a dude who’s been asked this.
2. 'Have you thought about becoming a lesbian?'
I mean, well, where do I even start on this one? I come from a small town so this is often meant without malice, but jeez, it’s awkward having to explain to someone that you don’t ‘become’ a lesbian, and also, funnily enough I don’t think my passion for dating is going to change if I start dating women. Alas, I am not a lesbian, much to my mother’s disappointment. Again, I’m yet to find a guy who's been asked if they considered ‘turning gay’ in a bid to find a date.
3. 'Have you tried *insert dating app*?'
Yes, yes I have tried all of them, and they just don’t do it for me. My friends are lucky enough to get a reply from me, let alone some dude who’s opener is ‘sup’ (no joke that was someone’s opener to me the other day). I’m lazy and also my sense of humour is scathing, which means that most of the time it doesn’t translate well over the internet. Plus I don’t know how much I dig the judging a book by it’s cover business. Okay, so everyone single suffers from this conversation, because all of us single people must constantly be searching for the one, otherwise we are obviously wasting our life.
4. 'Maybe if you were a bit nicer…'
Maybe, but then I wouldn’t be being myself would I? Here’s the thing: I’m not nice, I have no interest in being nice. In my opinion nice is the shittest word in the dictionary to be described as. I’m sharp, I’m selfish, I’m intelligent, I’m ruthless. To quote Chris from Love Island ‘I'm like an Easter egg which has been fridged for too many days - you won't crack me’ and I don’t see a problem with that. Women are constantly bombarded with messages to change their personality in order to find a partner, because men don’t want to date the real you, obviously.
Basically, what I have gathered from my extensive research is that everyone, except for me, is obsessed with my state of singleness, and that most people assume it is something that I want to change, at whatever cost. But guess what, it’s not. So I’m looking forward to another summer of being a bitch, with my resting bitch face… alone. Who’s with me? Nope, just me… alone. Just the way I like it.