Hoorah, January is over and we are well on our way to Springtime. That means my New Year can finally begin because there’s less pressure to stick to stupid resolutions — plus failing at something won’t look so bad because, by this point in the year, everybody has already failed to stick to their stupid resolutions. So with it being the beginning of my New Year, I’ve decided to write a list about all the things that I can’t believe people are still getting angry about. This list isn’t definitive, but it’s the things that are getting on my last nerve time and time again. This column touches on some sensitive stuff in quite a sarcastiic manner because a) a new series of RuPaul’s Drag Race has started so it's the only media I am consuming and I’m feeling shady, and b) I’m over sugar-coating it because I have had it, officially.
1. Using correct pronouns
I mean what the fuck? Why are people still getting upset because somebody wants you to respect their pronouns and address them in a way that they feel comfortable? Here’s an idea, why don’t you - instead of getting upset that you have to alter the language you use slightly - think about how shitty of a person you are by deliberately ignoring somebody’s gender identity just because it requires the tiniest, minimal amount of effort. And for people who bring up the grammar argument of using they/them please go and check the grammar book before you come for me because if you found a gender neutral jacket on a park bench you wouldn’t say, oh look, a lost jacket, I wonder who’s it is? He or she must be cold without it. No bitch, you’d say, they must be cold without it. Spellcheck it, bitch.
2. Getting an abortion
Hey ladies, yeah, you got the vote, and yeah, you can go out and make 80 cents to every $1 a man makes (but only if you’re white). But guess what? You still can’t have complete control over your own body. No that’s right, so if you get raped, or your contraception fails, or you just get jiggy but don’t want to have a child, in some countries you still don’t have access to a safe and legal abortion, because to put it simply, a woman’s life is not as important as that of an unborn foetus. Your body, your choice.
3. Being fat
I’m fat, and it’s got nothing to do with you, so deal with it.
4. Everybody having equal rights
Yeah, this is seriously on there, because who really thought that in 2018 there would still be people who are denied healthcare because of where they were born, or that police would be killing people simply because they’re black, or that people would be murdered for living as their true authentic selves. It’s bullshit, and I blame nearly all of it on that orange cheese puff.
5. Acknowledging privilege
BUt I HaD A hArD lIFe ToO!!!!!!! K hun, we get it. Guess what, mine wasn’t squeaky clean either, because that’s fucking life. But you know what’s funny, our parents never had to have a conversation about me being murdered by way of police brutality and how to get through a police encounter alive because me and you aren’t black. So I get it, life is hard, but if you are afforded privileges in your life, being white or white-passing, being able-bodied, being thin, being rich then you have had just a little extra helping hand from the get go. And it’s really not hard to look around at the world and see that others may not have had that helping hand; the funny thing is, it doesn’t detract from your hardships, it just means that other people might have a different experience than you. Get over it.
6. Being fat
Yes I’m still fat, yes, you’re still pointlessly mad about my body taking up space, but it’s not your problem, so deal with it.
7. Women saying no
Best case scenario: dude sets up a ‘man who can’t be moved’ kind of vibe and puts a piano on the green at your college campus and vows to play it until you say yes. Most frequent scenario: dude calls you a fat cunt and tells you you would be lucky to fuck him. Worst case scenario; dude follows you home and murders you. There are so many great things about being a gal, and definitely up there is fearing for your life every time a guy approaches your with a romantic proposition, and waiting with baited breath to see if you’ll be murdered today simply because you don’t want to see the penis of a complete stranger. Ladies, if in doubt pull out the old ‘I have a boyfriend’ trick because apparently the only way we can get rid of them is if they sense that they are stealing another bro’s property, because at the end of the day, that’s all we really are.
8. Being fat
Deal. With. It.