Humpday: Strength Is For The Women Who Like Being Alone, Right?
Today is a particularly gushy one. Actually, I'm unapologetic about this week’s theme because I know that this feeling has been had by MANY, especially by us fat babes.
I am a strong person. That trait has been developed through years of being a strong daughter and granddaughter, a strong sister, a strong friend for my besties who need support, and when I have been in a relationship, a strong girlfriend. I've remained single more than been in a relationship simply because I do not want to settle for an unequal relationship. This level of resilience has been built not only because I won't let people give up on themselves, but because I'm a teenager-who-thought-she-was-fat-turned-actually-fat woman. That means that both the internal and external demons of body negativity have had their plagues at times, but I prescribed myself a medicine of no-fucks-given, and that plays a huge part in my strength.
But there is one thing that this makes me wonder: When society heavily acknowledges strength as a male trait, does that deem strong females unworthy of love for their strength? Particularly when your armour is the fat around your belly and arms that you can’t — and won’t — unsheathe? What becomes of us when that armour is perpetuated by standards set up by the very same society that teaches men that strong, fat women are potentially undatable?
I lay there at night thinking about how maybe giving no fucks makes me intimidating to men, and therefore no one will want to date me. I have a cycle of thoughts about how by being ‘the strong but fat one’, a potential future boyfriend might not be strong enough to be the strength I need when I'm weak and the demons are back. I then worry about whether I'll end up being the one taking care of them all the time, and having no-one take care of me. The thought of being unworthy of love cripples me into a sobbing mess that only the shadows of my room know about.
This may seem stupid. It’s okay, I think it is stupid too. We could do a ‘Maria is being stupid' dance together, because it seems like I'm moaning about being strong. But strength to have that much of a no-fucks-given attitude takes a lot of mental resilience alone, which on a bad day leads to one small thought turning into a stream of negative mental downpour. It’s not that I’m not okay with being single — I’m totally fine with that — as I know I wouldn't settle for anything less than I know I deserve.
Regardless of the nights of mental anguish, I would rather continue to be a strong fat babe than whittle myself down into someone I am not, and I don’t mean physically. Plus, I know that I am worthy of love with all of my traits, and if someone is intimidated by my strength, then they don’t deserve a place in my life. I hope that all you strong fat babes know that you are worthy of love, too. Ignore the self-doubt that's telling you that you are not worthy of a relationship, especially a relationship of strength. You deserve the world for being so strong, with or without a significant other.
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