Humpday: 2018, The Year Of Trying Something New
In the spirit of the New Year - and at an attempt to dust away those ‘January Blues’ as it has come to be known - I've taken time out for a deep reflection on the sexual encounters that I've not had the pleasure of experiencing. Whilst yes, I've done many great things in my sexual life, like many of us promiscuous souls out there, I have not done absolutely everything.
So without further ado, I'll reel off my 12 (maybe one a month, *wink wink*) sexcapades that might be on the cards for the coming - I promise that's not a pun - year:
1. Sex in a public space
There’s not many rooms inside I house that I can leave off of the list of ‘Places I Have Had Sex’, however the great outdoors is unexplored territory. I've heard horror stories of awkward car exchanges and difficult positions up trees. But I’m hopeful that if the moment comes a nice spot will pop up…against a car hood, on a swing in the park (no kids present obviously), in a quiet cinema etc.
2. Dressing up
What is sexy nowadays without being a stereotype? (Nurse and secretaries are not only cliché by now, but rather sexist...) I could be politician, a lumberjack, a banker, or just dress as my badass hyper-accentuated self as a costume. The possibilities are endless, really.
3. A one night stand with a stranger
I have had a few one nights stands, but they've always been with people I know or dates. I’m talking about the type of liaison where you simply meet without saying a word, have a heated affair, and then simply leave, and that's that. Providing that they're not planning to murder you and there is appropriate protection, obviously, I don’t want any STIs, thank you very much.
4. Wearing no underwear underneath a dress
There are certain dresses, especially body con dresses, that I feel I shouldn’t wear underwear for because of visible panty line. Having said that, I absolutely lack the confidence to leave the house without knickers on. It also doesn’t help that I'm tall, so a lot of dresses ride up my thighs and become shorter than intended. Maybe I could get away with it somewhere dark? We'll see.
5. A quickie with people in the next room
Imagine this: you and your partner are at a dinner with family or friends. The conversation is slow so you and your partner start eyeing each other up. Next thing you know you have both offered to clear the plates, and you're up on the counter getting some before anyone comes in. Cheeky.
6. Sneaking out the house late at night for a secret romp
This could link to number 3, but this could also be with a partner. Imagine the fun of them sneaking to yours or vice versa, especially if you both or one of you still live with your parents or in a house share.
7. Wearing stilettos (and only stilettos) during sex
Imagine being fully naked minus the stilettos, and using them as an indicator to control movement. Kinda hot. Important note: if you can't walk in heels, you may end up at A&E. Proceed with caution.
8. A burlesque dance as a warm up
...Including full lingerie attire, feather boa and a chair - make up the moves as you please as long as your most sexy stripper song is on full blast.
9. Playing dominatrix
Restraints, blindfolds, whips, you name it. Some like it hard, some like it soft, but what a great foreplay to build up the tension. This could be done with or without the dirty talk as it's a case of personal taste, but I personally think dirty talk builds it up more.
10. Getting a proper sex toy
Despite what many may assume of me by Humpday, my sex toy repertoire lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. Living with the parental unit and owning sex toys don't mesh too well together (unless you've got a really good hiding place), so bullets and mini toys are the most I work with. It's now 2018, so that just won't cut it; This year, I'm upscaling.
Don't act like you're surprised that the big A (not abstinence) made it to the list. Whilst there's been dabbling during foreplay, I've never had the full experience. And with that, it's going on the list, along with plenty of lube.
12. More booty play... but the other way round
I know that straight men can be less forthcoming about this idea, but many women - queer and straight - non-hetero men and non-binary folks can testify that anything anally inserted for sexual pleasure can feel good. We aren’t asking for anything too drastic, something small, but maybe a future partner might just give it a chance. Who knows, it might just change their world.