Humpday: Is Sex On A First Date Still A No-No?
We have reached the start of 2018. The world is more sex positive now than it was, say, 30 years ago, when sleeping with someone before having dated them for a month (or longer) was questionable, if not completely off limits. The dating game has completely changed since then too; with the abundant choice of different dating apps, some are renowned as purely being for hook-up culture. But have the societal ideas about sex on a first date modernised to match new values, or have they slipped behind into historical fact to be uttered at every gossip session with your friends as you give them the juicy details?
According to Medical Daily, 'women who have sex quickly, like on the first date, are viewed as “easy and cheap” even in a modern sexually liberal society,' according to Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a professor of psychology at California State University; '[I]f a woman agrees to have sex on the first date because she wants to, her partner may make unfair attributions about her (even after asking for sex) that she is not relationship material and may be of suboptimal moral character, being viewed as immoral or "easy".' So, what this doctor's saying is that all negative judgements made of having sex on a first date are based on the assumption that everyone is striving for a long-term relationship…go figure!
Okay, so let’s put that one aside for a moment, because not all dating is about finding a long-term partner (especially in recent dating climates). It could just be about having fun or a short-term fling. And if it is about finding a long-term partner, doesn’t the sex mean that the date was sizzling so much that you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other? So what else could it be?
'Women are made to feel cheap or to have no standards or self-love when they sleep with someone right away, and men are made to feel like a hero when they do. When women have sex, it is a reflection of the value that she places on herself and her worth. This is only true if sex means that to her,' says Dr. Paulette Kouffman Sherman, author of Dating from the Inside Out and When Mars Women Date. I think it's safe to say that many women nowadays rate sex as a form of self-love; I’d feel like a goddess if I slept with every first date I had (if I wanted to, of course), leaving the place with that glowing, hot skin and feeling full of energy yet slow, hazy sleepiness. It’s far cheaper than a spa day! But seriously, in reality, women are only made to feel cheap or unworthy because it's socially seen that the men are who hold the power when it comes to sex, amongst many other things. But, as time (and new-wave feminism) goes on, women who put out on the first date aren't the cheap and easy sluts society has tried to paint them. The reclaiming of power, both in and outside of the bedroom, is shifting the modern-day millennial outlook on sex.
Sleeping with someone on the first date can either be good ol’ sexiness between the sheets or simply getting some beauty sleep without having to do it alone. Since the doctors' opinions are the only general ‘reasons’ why it is a no-no, I decided to put together my own list of pros and cons so that you can evaluate if you are making the right decision for you. Ultimately, what you want and what works for you is what's the most important:
1. You can evaluate the level of chemistry and ‘try before you buy’.
You either have chemistry or you don’t. It’s not something you can magically grow from one date. However, sleeping with someone on the first date is a potentially great option for discovering just how much chemistry you do have.
2. We all have needs, but can they fulfill yours?
It’s one thing knowing how to have sex with someone, it’s a whole different story knowing how to please the person you’re choosing to have sex with. Are they selfish in bed or do they appease to your needs as well as their's?
3. Why waste time if you don’t have to?
You don’t have to waste time playing games with the prize of sex. The prize is won by both of you already. If that's the end of that, so be it. If not, then you may just know that you’re going to spend a long time together – possibly even get married. There’s nothing wrong with that either.
1. You can easily be taken advantage of.
This situation depends on what you are looking for from this date. They could take advantage of you by stringing you along for sex and then ghosting you, which would leave you hurt if you are looking for a longer-term thing.
2. Unknown lurkers in their genitals (and other safety aspects).
Let’s face it, you're probably not going to spend the date disclosing each other’s whole sexual history and whether you have STIs or not. Without sounding like a nurse in Sex Ed class, have fun safely – use contraception including condoms! Be vigilant of what they could have that they're not telling you!
What's also important to take away from this is, if you do decide you're going for it on the first date (or even without a date on the cards at all!), don't allow yourself to feel judged or belittled by society and the notion that women can't be sexual. If it works for you, it's a big yes-yes from us! Happy hunting!
Your stories - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward - have continued to make our day, and every week, we want to hear YOUR stories. Send them via The Unedit's Instagram, Twitter or Facebook. Keep ‘em coming. (No pun intended.)