I hold a gold membership to the Singles Pringles club, and I love to flash that card around to anyone who tries to make me feel bad for not having a partner. Aww, you must feel lonely without a boyfriend. When you are going to settle down? The surprised look they give when I smile and tell them that I’m happy being single is a face I’m sure is familiar with all independent women. However, I will put my hands up and admit that there’s more to it for me.
I find dating really hard. I’m too shy to approach people out in public (unless I’m drunk and asking them to help me find my friends in a pub). I loathe dating apps and websites. And weirdly enough, I don’t actually find that many men attractive upon first glance. Upon many glances, in fact.
At first, I thought that this was down to my high standards developed from previous experiences. If I were to line up all of my exes, not one of them has anything in common in terms of looks, and the age difference ranged from same age to 11 years my senior.
And then I stumbled across something on my Facebook feed one day. Normally I don’t listen to articles on Facebook; they try to get me to do surveys about which type of bread suits my zodiac sign. However, this one was different because it introduced me to something about me as a person that, prior to which, I had no idea was even a thing: I am a sapiosexual.
I am, by definition, a person who finds intelligence the most sexually attractive feature. Once I’d realised that, suddenly, my line up of exes had a string of commonality to tie them together. They were all intelligent and had great personalities; there was always interesting conversation, and it was their personalities that had stood out to me in the early stages of dating, and having a personality seemed intrinsically linked to having intelligence. It isn’t about academic intelligence for me necessarily, but other types of intelligence that make up great traits like social and political awareness, general knowledge which feeds humour (and sarcasm), emotional intelligence, and of course avid interests in things that excite him that isn’t solely based around a gaming console.
From my experience, here are just a couple of my pros and cons of being a sapiosexual:
Pro: I know that I won’t settle for just anyone.
Intelligence and conversation is waaaaay more fulfilling. I have found men with personalities have a better sense of humour and quick wit. If they can match my banter with something equally (or more) brazen, they can certainly get in my pants. If I can’t have a good flowing conversation with a man about anything, I will figuratively slam the door. It’s certainly not that I think men of a lower intelligence are inferior to me at all, but conversation and humour are a huge must for me, and signifies that things could develop more. Ergo, no time or room for fuckboys.
Con: Dating apps and websites are totally useless
Dating apps like Tinder are used purely on the basis of first appearances. When speaking to men who I matched with, they would ask me questions about things which I had clearly written in my profile, and the small talk about what I had been up to at the weekend bored me to death. Clearly they were looking at other things. I managed to hang on for two weeks before I deleted it. It was the same for other websites like Plenty of Fish, whereby conversations came to a sudden halt when I wanted to talk about films and they wanted to talk about how great my boobs looked. Bye Felicia. I feel like dating apps and websites like this are not places where someone’s intelligence and personality truly shine through. I don’t doubt that there are intelligent guys on there, but how are you supposed to filter them out from the other fish?
(Sidenote: this is also the reason I dislike nightclubs - shouting in each other’s ears as the floor vibrates is not a conversation.)
Pro: It isn’t about looks.
Being body positive, I am accepting of all bodies. I don’t have a ‘type’ looks-wise because looks do not come into it for me. This means that I am less judgemental of how a guy looks and am supportive if he is happy in himself. Fuck all toxic masculinity bullshit and ‘rules’ that guys think that they have to follow to be a man. You identify as male? Congratulations, you’re a man. If a guy has a great personality that has sparked my interest, he could be bald, skinny, whatever. As long as he can talk the leg off an iron donkey, he’s good with me.
Con: I don’t find men attractive initially.
All of my exes were people who started out as friends or were friends of friends. This means that I had time to get to know them way before I realised we were compatible for a romantic relationship, and it would generally be that one great conversation that would ignite that jump to attraction. When I meet men, we would have to be speaking for a long time for me to build up that attraction. The better I know his brain, the more attractive he’ll then physically become to me (because remember, it’s not about looks). Then the fire in the bedroom happens even more quickly.
Your stories - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward, have continued to make our day, so as promised we’ll share some more:
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This week, we want to know: lights on or off when you get down to business? Why? What are your main anxieties in the bedroom?
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