Comfort is your biggest trap and coming out of comfort zone your biggest challenge. I think this is part of the reason why break ups are so hard; even though you may not love the person anymore, or the type of relationship you have with someone else isn’t serving you anymore, it's the removal of the comfort blanket of having them there. This comfort is replaced by the fear of the unknown, and having to start fresh with someone new in whatever way is terrifying sometimes. Especially when it comes to sex.Having sex with someone new means revealing perhaps your vulnerabilities and insecurities without knowing what the other person’s reaction to them are going to be. I have listed five of my personal fears when sleeping with someone new, be it with a bang-buddy, dating or a relationship:
1. Even though they know I am fat when clothed, they may be repulsed by my fat in the flesh.
Let’s face it, although the body positive movement has made leaps and bounds over the years and larger people are slowly appearing in the media, we still live in a fatphobic world when it comes to dating and sex, amongst other things. I have been incredibly lucky to have previous boyfriends who have loved my curvier body and have never been targeted by trolls on dating apps; I've also made it clear that I'm ‘Big and Tall’ as my body type. However, in the past year I've not actually slept with any of my dates as I haven’t felt the need or want to. But I know it is going to get to a point whilst dating when I will want to, and even after a couple of dates (or even one) they may take me home, undress me, and either laugh or cry at my body. I don't even know what I would do in that situation, especially if I really liked them. I hope that I'd throw something at them, tell them to shove their ignorance up their arsehole and leave. But thinking about this situation brings on a worry.
2. My partner may ghost me after I've slept with them, especially if I am looking for a relationship and they're not.
Let’s face it, many people do not want a relationship in this dating climate, and that's okay. But what makes me squirm in my seat is when they tick the box that they are ‘looking for a relationship’ but when you meet to date, their body language and way they speak says otherwise. This includes them alluding to wanting a relationship, getting you into bed, and then disappearing into the dating ether. If they had told me straight that they just wanted sex, I would’ve been okay with that because then I can make an informed decision about if I wanted to date them and/or sleep with them. Oh okay, bye Felicia, as I put my clothes back on and jump back to square one…
3. I might have forgotten my bedroom moves — it has been a while. (And will they judge how I look doing them?)
Will they mind my jiggling boobs if I go on top? Can they feel my belly fat rubbing against them as we switch positions? Will they care/look at my fat as it moves with each thrust? Are they judging my moves and if it feels pleasurable OR how I look doing the move? Will they call me a clumsy whale if I doing something silly?
4. What if I don’t enjoy their company in bed and have to endure bad sex?
Nuff said. Ain’t nobody got time for bad sex. Is it bad etiquette to just stop halfway, say thank you and walk out? I fear bad sex because I dislike being bored, and faking being satisfied. What can I say… I wear my heart on my sleeve!
5. What about STIs and contraception?
With this new ‘stealthing’ trend amongst men in particular (whereby they remove the condom without the female’s consent, therefore putting her at risk of unwanted pregnancy and STIs), it is worrying. I can just imagine having to start the sex process like an interview just to make sure that it's safe for me and my sex partner; do you have a condom? Do I have a condom? Are you an arsehole that ‘stealths’? Do you have any STIs? Are you doubly sure? When was you last tested? See, I am on the contraceptive pill, and in long term relationships, we have gone condom-free as we know and trust that none of us have STIs and that no unplanned bun-in-the-oven will bake. But when you're starting dating in the early days, or having one night stands, these are questions that will run through my mind and I fear that their answer could be the wrong one…
These may be common fears for sleeping with someone new. I may be overthinking them and actually, when it comes down to it, the sexual sizzle guides me easily down the path of pleasure. They say the best antidote for fear is to face them, and these fears are ones I will happily face…
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