Humpday: 5 Reasons Why I'd Rather A Rabbit Than A Partner Right Now
Following on from my list of trying new things in the New Year, I hit the Ann Summers January sale to find that there was 50% off of many many items, including a slick looking Rabbit from the Moregasm collection. Into the online basket you go, my friend…
As soon as it arrived, I gave it a test drive. Ohmygod. I clenched my teeth so hard, I may have craked a couple of incisors. I have found the one… and it fits me and my lifestyle perfectly. Once I had fallen totally in love with my new toy, it made me beg the question: do I need a man in my life? Like, right now? Can I be bothered to go out on the prowl for a one night stand if I already have the desired end result in my drawer?
It’s not like I’ll never seek a relationship ever again. There’s only so long the batteries can last. I promise I won't end up like Charlotte in that episode of Sex and the City where she fobs off all her friends for her Rabbit. However, here are five reasons why in my current state, a relationship with my Rampant Rabbit seems like the better option:
1. I am lazy as fuck in our current seasonal climate.
By the time I get home from work, I cannot be bothered to do anything besides eat and sleep. I go to work when it's dark, I come back when it's dark, which is hard for someone who thrives in sunlight. Plus, the fact it rains 90% of the time at the moment doesn't help. The last thing I want to do is get dressed up and go on dates when really all I want is to be in my PJs. A shag doesn’t seem that worth it at the moment.
2. I have the bed all to myself.
Following the assumption that my date would sleep over post-coitus, due to their non-existence I can sleep in whatever position I want – full starfish – without hitting anyone or having to wrestle duvets away from them. And I don’t have to sneak out of their place to get to my bed… I’m already here!
3. There's literally no hard work.
I don’t need to woo my Rabbit or try and seduce it with the flitter of eyelids and witty banter. I own it, I use it, I clean it, pop it back into the drawer until next time. No awkward small talk and no need for foreplay, which can sometimes be the hardest work of all if there’s no sexual chemistry.
4. It understands your emotional needs.
Your Rabbit is the manifestation of your horniness. It is your emotional blanket for times of sexual pleasure. It knows what you need, and is there on standby ready for you. You don’t have to consider whether it's tired from a hard day of work or it not being in the mood. It's always in the mood.
5. Work it in any position, anywhere…
Your Rabbit does not care what you look like, how or even how often you want to use it. It's adventurous, playful, your own whips-and-chains-free Mr Grey, if that's what floats your boat. It does whatever you want it to do. It submits to your every selfish need sexually without needing to consider its own sexual pleasure or completely ignoring yours.
I'm not saying a Rabbit is better than men (not all the time anyway, ha!), but it certainly relieves the pressures of finding a partner when you're less up for dating, and more up for hibernating.
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