Do you ever get the feeling that you're the only one not having sex? You sit there and realise that figurative cobwebs have formed around your lower regions and you can’t remember the last time you had a sweaty bedroom session with someone. This is my current situation, but I can 100% say that I am okay with this. Me and cobwebs are good friends.
My lust for a sexual encounter has always ebbed and flowed depending on who I'd been talking to and what I had been watching (yes, I'm talking about those sex scenes in The Tudors and Game of Thrones...). For example, in school/college, it was always about who you fancied in the class and how far you'd 'gone' with someone. And don’t get me wrong, I luuuurve juicy sex details with my best friends when we meet up now, I live vicariously through them. But then I go home and feel bad for having not had sex in a while. I question if something is wrong with me because I’m not out having one night stands. I’ve had them, and I will probably again. But right now, I’m just not that bothered, whilst simultaneously also feel bothered that perhaps I should be.
I know how to solve this, my inner minx says. I have my trusty vibrator hiding away looking for some action. But after opening the draw to get it out, I’m over it, and close the drawer again. Have I - the woman who loves sex - been put off of it?
I realised, however, that it has nothing to do with the act of sex itself, since I am perfectly capable of doing so, even alone. It’s more to do with not having someone to have sex with. But since I'm a sapiosexual, I didn't want just any one night stand chosen from the catalogue of (questionable) males on Tinder. And neither could I actually be bothered to get dressed up and go out in public in search of a lover, prowling the streets for a conquest. My bra had already come off for the day and Netflix was fully streaming. Dilemmas.
It was then that I decided I didn’t actually need someone else for sex, or any sex. I am happy as a single at this point in my life, I didn’t want to chase sex just for the sake of having it. Is sex essential to being completely fulfilled? No, not for everyone. And yet, there is an idea that wanting sex all the time should be the main goal. This is one of the reasons Saturday night club-culture exists. Pulling someone is a part of that culture, and it makes for great stories the Monday after. But are those the only interesting stories to tell?
Some people just don’t want to have sex all the time, or at all. Sex positivity is about owning our desires, but it also needs to be about owning the time when a lack of desire occurs, which is also okay. Some people may be puzzled by this because it has been suggested that if you don’t have that much sex, you're prudish, or boring, or something is wrong with you. That just isn't the case. You own your body, so you have sex when you want to. It doesn’t matter if it's been two weeks, six months or ten years. Have sex when you want to, and don’t feel pressured rush into it again when you are either a, not ready, or b, just cannot be bothered. Plus, celibacy isn't something to be condemned or joked about, and can provide just as much fulfilment as a sexual relationship. (Have you not seen that episode of Sex and the City?)
As much as I'm looking forward to having sex again - whether that be in the near or far future - right now, the closest to any intimate relationship I'll get is with the stack of boxsets I've got ready to be binge-watched. And I'm alright with that.
Your stories - the good, the bad, the ugly, and the awkward - have continued to make our day, so as promised we'll share some more:
Every week, we want to hear YOUR stories.
This week, we want to know: